Five Nights at Flandre's
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: Welcome to your new temporary position at the Scarlet Devil Mansion!


**AN: This isn't as terrifying as the title makes it out to be :P**

…

Hello! Hong Meiling here, at your service!

This thing is on, right?

I certainly hope it is. I'd hate to have to go on and on about this for an hour, then find out I have to do it all again… Who knows how these kappa contraptions work, right? The last time Mistress Remilia ordered one of these things from them, we ended up cleaning pudding off the walls for three days straight!

Ah! But the point of this recorded message…if this is actually being recorded, is to tell you about your new place as temporary security guard of the Scarlet Devil Mansion! Congratulations!

…

You face a much more difficult duty than the one I normally perform. Being a gate guard is one thing, but you're pretty much head of security for the entire mansion right now!

…

I know it sounds daunting right now, but don't worry about it too much. We'll be back before you know it. In fact, maybe right now you're feeling good about being able to stay in such a luxurious mansion for a week, and experiencing everything it has to offer: comfy beds, deliciously savory foods, an indoor swimming pool…

Fair warning, don't get your hopes up. I mean, yeah, you can use the beds, but the food is all cooked by Sakuya, who won't be there, and the pool water has been treated with some alchemical compound that lets vampires inhabit pure water without, you know, spontaneously combusting.

…A compound that will probably kill you. Or at the very least, give you a really bad burn. I once cannonballed into the pool before I knew Lady Patchouli put something into the water, and I wound up with third degree burns on over ninety percent of my body! Ha ha! But at least I got to experience Sakuya's loving ministrations for the better part of a week! …Um…

What was I saying again?

…

Right! The job! So… Hmm… First off, welcome! …I feel like I already said that. Anyways, your role is to pretty much keep an eye on the place. We don't expect you to actually fight any threats. That would probably go poorly for you. And Mistress Remilia said something about wanting to handle any invasions into her territory personally. So pretty much just document anything out of place you see, describe anyone that gets past the outer barrier, and stuff like that. And you really only have to worry about the nighttime.

So yeah, that's pretty much the what, so I'll move on to the how!

If you couldn't already tell, the mansion is a big place. Like, massive! I've lived here for quite a long time, and I still get lost every now and then. A few weeks ago, I thought I was trying to get to the kitchen, but I made a wrong turn and I ended up in Sakuya's room. …while she was changing…

Anyway! That said, don't bother going out on patrol or whatever, everything you need to do your job and stay alive is all in your office.

Lady Patchouli has set up a series of magical surveillance feeds all over the main areas of the mansion, connected in such a way that they all lead into a single interface, In case you can't tell, it's that ornate mirror in front of you. Sorry it's so dirty; Lady Patchouli had to wipe something over it so the spell would work properly. She insisted we not clean it.

But yeah, using the mirror should be fairly simple. Just touch the room you want to look at on the hand drawn map and the mirror will reflect that particular room! Neat, huh? …Ah, sorry the map's drawn in crayon…

Um… I'm also sorry for there only being one mirror. The mansion doesn't have many mirrors. Sort of expected with a vampire as a mistress, right? That said, there are others for us servants to use, but Mistress Remilia didn't want to expend the effort of gathering them. Well, she didn't want to expend Sakuya's effort.

But let's move on. There's also a set of inscribed runes in certain locations around the mansion, strategically placed to block off pathways and corridors in the event you have an intruder. These are meant as a way for you to protect yourself, in case something really nasty starts roaming the mansion. You can activate these runes by tapping them on the corresponding symbol off to the right. Unfortunately, you can only activate one rune at a time. Lady Patchouli didn't have enough time to come up with anything more dynamic than that…

This whole affair is rather whimsical on Mistress Remilia's part…

Oh! Another really important thing! I'm sure you've noticed the colorful vials and beakers and crystals and other assorted magical stuff behind you at this point. Don't touch. It's a special experiment Lady Patchouli has been tending to now for a month or so. I don't really understand any of it, but you need to know that, since it's not getting proper maintenance with us gone, it gives off hallucinogenic fumes.

…yeah, I don't know either… But there's a special cantrip for purifying the air in your office just on the left. Just hit it if you feel nauseous, or start seeing things. Please note this does not give you an excuse to engage in recreational drug use on the job!

Let's see… what else is there to- Oh! I almost forgot! Using the enchantments – the surveillance, the wards, and the cantrip – all use up magical energy. You have a limited amount of magical energy, but Lady Patchouli has modified some special crystals to gather sunlight during the day, which will extract more magic and replenish your supply every night. Of course, weather in Gensokyo is subject to the winds of nature, the whims of Goddesses, and new incidents, so if there's a cloudy day or a sudden blizzard, you won't be able to gather more magic! …there isn't really anything you can do about this, so try not to consume all your magic in one night!

…And really, sudden blizzards in the middle of summer are terrible! I got hit with one last year, and I really wanted to go inside, but Sakuya wouldn't let me… She forced me to stay in the cold for hours! But I got her back, when I dumped a fistful of snow down her back. Of course, that turned into the opening shot for this little war we had, and eventually we settled the matter with a straight fight. I won, by the way. But I felt bad, since I kinda started it, so I got her a little gift from the human village when I had a free day.

I'm rambling again, aren't I? I do that an awful lot…

Anyway, I may as well go over the likeliest security threats you'll be seeing. Aside from the fairy maids, who would all be asleep in their rooms at night anyways, the only ones who might visit the mansion are Marisa Kirisame and Aya Shameimaru. While Marisa pops by to steal books, Aya just comes around looking for a story.

Oh, and another important thing! Marisa will try to get to Voile, Lady Patchouli's library. Trust me when I say your life depends on you stopping her! Lady Patchouli enchanted the library doors to send out a magical shockwave designed to repel any foreign being not of the mansion. That includes Marisa, and that includes you. If she reaches the doors, she'll probably by blown away but still alive since she's naturally powerful. You know what they say about idiots and hard heads, right? But you? Chances are you won't make it. So if you see her headed towards the library, throw up a ward to stop her. She'll eventually get tired and leave.

As for Aya, well, she doesn't care about the library; she's just here to look for a story. Naturally, she'll look for someone to interview, and if she knows you're there, she'll go after you. She's not dangerous per se, but she'll literally fly into you at, like, hyper lethal velocity, which will probably kill you too. Again, not intentionally, but the end result is the same. Just make sure she doesn't know you're there, namely by not letting her see the wards you put up. Do that, and she'll leave too. And don't funnel her into Marisa, or they'll start a danmaku fight that will probably level the place. With you in it.

Trust me when I say that having a building fall on your head is not a pleasant experience. The last time I had a building fall on me was when I was dropping off a package at the Hakurei Shrine for Mistress Remilia some months back. A Celestial came out of nowhere and just demolished it! I would have been impressed if I'd been standing outside the shrine. Sakuya actually dragged me home, all the while scolding me about slacking off… Wasn't my fault… Stupid Celestials… But it wasn't all bad! That same night, Sakuya made my favorite for dinner, and even washed my hair when we showered together!

Um…That was a little too personal, I think… Ahem. Let's just…get back on track…

…

Hmm…

…

Actually, I think that's it. You are now qualified to watch over the mansion in our absence, and work to record any threats against the mansion both external and internal!

…I probably shouldn't have said that last part…

Oh whatever! I know Mistress Remilia won't be too pleased I slipped up, but from one gate guard to another, there's definitely something inside the mansion you need to watch out for.

I… honestly, I don't want to say too much, but watch the basement. There's something down there that can and will come up at night. Don't use your wards, they'll just break them. Permanently. That said, you can probably use the wards as lures if they get too close to you. I know it's not a great situation, but losing a few wards to stay alive is a very good deal. And again, don't funnel intruders into them, or else there won't be a mansion for us to come back to…

And the last thing… what's down there is… for lack of a better word…

Insane…

…

So…good luck, I guess. You'll definitely need it…

 **AN: So... more, or less helpful than Phone Guy?**


End file.
